Small obsessions

Spring. Finally. Hey, the spring is finally here! Snow is rapidly melting and temperatures are rising. The increasing spots of snow free ground, though still mostly of just slushy mud, makes me a strong believer in a soon to come awesome greeness of the world around me. Ah, colours of the spring, I've missed you so much. Quoting one well known blogger, spring might be so late and summer so short in Lithuania so that we'd appreciate it more. I must agree that there is nothing better after long and nerve trying winter to finally get a first glimpse of a still brownish grass, and then in a few days suddenly notice it ain't brown anymore.
Dreams of a shopaholic. One of the best ways to replenish one's wardrobe these days is to do some on-line shopping. There's almost always a good sale with really low prices out there to be caught. Secondly, one can choose from many and many options and can actually save some time which otherwise would've been spent on walking from one shop to another. So for the past couple of days, while it was still pretty much a winter outside, but a premonition of spring to come has already haunted us, while on lunch break we’ve hatched a plan with girls at the office and immediately put it into action ordering loads of goodies. On the downside, on-line shopping is so much fun, that it’s a damn hard feat to stop shopping before buying way too much stuff or spending too much. Small obsessions are only as good as they don't hurt your wallet too much ;)
Career. Since things started to go downhill at work, I’ve started to actively look for another job, and since then have been to a number of job interviews. Some of them turned to be to a real no-no and what a heck I’m doing here kind, some of them sounded good/great but I was not the lucky one to get a job, but this last one stood out a lot between ‘em all.
Right before Easter a recruiter contacted me and asked if I’d like to enter for this administrative position in a very well known international company. Though in the end the company chose another applicant, this was one of those rare recruitments which leave a lasting impression and a really positive ‘aftertaste’ in the end. Professionally handled interviews, very specific and hands-on approach during the whole recruitment process is what makes me really like this company, if compared to some other interviews I’ve been to.

Flower pot craze or meet my own boss from hell

My first encounter with a boss from hell was in 2006, when I started my work at SEM as an office manager.  At that time SEM was just a small unit of a really huge international corporation operating in Lithuania on B2B basis and oriented to serve other SE group companies exclusively. The recruiting process to get that coveted (at the time) position was rather long and trying on nerves- firstly, initial screening by some outsourced HR recruiting company, then second meeting with same outsourced HR company for some tests, both psychological and language tests, and only then, finally, two meetings with  actual representatives of the company I was applying for – I’ve got to meet regional manager and HR manager. I wanted the job so much, that I believe in trying to impress my future employer I could hardly shut up at all during our first meeting, and I scolded myself for that afterwards, but what a heck, I did get my job in the end. Getting the job was such a huge boost to my ego and self-esteem, that I’ve felt like I’ve just won some huge jackpot, though I had some nagging reservations and uncertainties, mostly concerning the fact that I was really really put off by SEM HR manager, and for some deeply intuitive reason at the time had this idea that we’d hardly get along well. Well, as  during interviews I was told, she wasn’t going to be my direct superior in any way, I took the job and joined the team. Alas as my probation period was closing to the end, some structural changes were introduced and I’ve found myself reporting directly to the HR manager and became her one and only subordinate. All of a sudden I’ve found myself in a living hell of uncomfortable workplace with a hormonal bitch at my neck for almost all the time. What defines a boss from hell? Well, firstly his or hers nag for micro-management and nit-picks of all of your work. Secondly, many and many unreasonable demands and really fuzzy expectations of what should be done, not even talking about the ‘how’ part here. Immediately after becoming her subordinate I was told that she was ‘working on’ my job description, meaning that I was to jump at her will every time she needed something done, even if that was just for the ‘jumping’ sake.
I would get disciplined on like daily basis for such trivial to actual work things as office flowers. At the time the company was doing really well and we had a girl from a flower company to come in once or twice per week to water office plants and to bring in some fresh flowers for reception, etc., but somehow that was all wrong for my boss – the flowers were always not fresh enough for her taste, and the potted ones were always facing the sun/window, etc. with the wrong side of the pot and so on, and on, and on. I’d be asked to come over to her room and would then receive a full on lecture on how those damned flowers should be positioned, and all. In real life it takes like seconds to turn the flower pot or to readjust some flowers in a vase, but it seems she took a particular joy in having something to be all grumpy about all the time. I would listen to her rave, then would go out to ‘take care’ of flowers properly and to her taste, but I would just never do right by her in this matter no matter how precisely I’d follow her instructions, so in the end this whole flower issue was just one perpetual circle of  ‘mat discipline’ over and over again. Flowers topic was one of many, only difference being that some other stupid issues could be resolved and successfully put behind and forgotten, but this one was not. By the end of the first month under her supervision I’ve started to look for a new job, meanwhile gritting my teeth and ‘laying low’ until something would turn up. My escape from this hell came in quite an unexpected way, six months in this job she happily announced that she soon she’d be leaving on maternity leave, and this news was what empowered me to suck it in and start seeing some light in my miserable life at the office. At the time some legislation was passed by Lithuanian Parliament that aloud for a parent to take a two year long maternity (or paternity) leave and receive a compensation equal to one’s salary, if it did not exceed some maximum set in the said law. Those months left until she left to give birth and raise her newborn were hell, but knowing it would be over at least for two years kept me afloat. Also, knowing that she was pregnant, in a way helped me dismiss some of her crazy demands as that of being inflicted by her pregnancy hormones. At this crazy time I’ve learned that for my strained nerves food in excess amounts has become the best new friend, and that eventually led me to my darkest hours of self destruction and obesity.
After she was gone, I had to take over her HR responsibilities and face the double amount of daily work. Never ending tight dead lines, high levels of stress at work kept me munching all this comfort food, but having her off of my head felt so good emotionally that I did not care for the rest. Then yet another girl from the office was leaving for maternity leave, and I somehow landed her responsibilities too on top of what I already had. My only consolation was that this other girl kind of was not planning on returning to work for the company afterwards, and I hoped I could land her job eventually. How foolish of me! Why should the company do that, if they already had me doing 3 people’s work for 1 person’s salary. I’ve learned a lesson of having to negotiate terms and only then say ‘yes’ to something the hard way.
The worst thing about this whole situation was that this flower pot craze started all over again as soon as she was back to work. Only this time I no more could give my HR manager a pass on her numerous ramblings due to some pregnancy or whatever hormones, and just had to accept that that’s the way she was. Luckily or not so much the economic crisis turning the world upside down at the time of her coming back, and the corporation has started some major renationalisation of it’s units and launched a full-on downsizing, and me, being single and with no kids, was among those who were first to be downsized.
Looking back on this whole situation, I’d say that I’ve came out of it with some useful skills, a somewhat scratched ego and a much much broader waistline, but also I’ve gained myself a sixth sense for spotting a bad boss from miles away.

Hi, I might just want to work here. Or not

Forgive my ramblings, but putting this to words make things seem a little more distant and just less depressing, even if for a while.
Since things were getting worse at work ever since our new shareholder introduced this imbecile of a Managing Director to take over company’s wheel, I’ve started to look for a new job. Tweaking a CV is a feat on its own – time consuming and somewhat even depressing as I really hate being in a position of job seeker. But the real challenge arises when it’s time to go for an actual interview. On the one hand, I have to sell myself for a possible employer, on the other hand, I have to gather enough information on them to decide whether I’d like to work for them or not, and there are no real guidelines for that just your gut feeling. Luckily, I have a good gut feeling, and in most cases I’m able to make the right decision. It has never been wrong yet, though in some cases I’ve landed myself in a job instead of a JOB. The difference between two of ‘em is that in the first case you do your job and do it well, get your salary, but somehow it’s just that – it just somehow does not get under your skin and does not become a really important part of your life. In the second case, the Job is something you really love and enjoy doing, you feel content with what you do, and take pride in it.
My current position just until recently used to be the best Job in the world. I loved everything about it – people (still do), tasks, challenges, etc. But the dynamics of the company has changed so dramatically since, that going to work is now a real torture. And I’ve thought I had met the worst boss when I was working at SEM some 4 years ago, alas SEM manager was tame and really like REALLY competent (though this tale of my own about the Boss from Hell could make a separate entry at some point), if compared to the one we now have at VESL. And I know firsthand that working with incompetent fool degrades you too. And I’m not going there again. Not again, thank you.
So I’m out looking for the Job, and hopefully I’ll land with one soon. Fingers crossed.

The worst enemy

A human mind is a complex and tricky thing, it can make one make wonders, but it might be the fiercest gun of destruction as well.
When I was a teenager I, like so many of others, suffered from a low self-esteem, and my shyness did not help to improve matters at all. I was never that girl in the center of everyone’s attention, but rather the one just too often  regarded as fatso, though looking back I’d say I was never one – I wasn’t a wisp of a girl, but I could have done to be a reed of a girl. Anyway, with time I’ve grown myself a thicker skin, made some really good friends, and trained myself to, if even by quite conscious efforts, to be more easy going with strangers. I constantly had and sometimes still have to remind myself to step up, to speak for myself, to take charge, and not to go into my inner shell when ‘under fire’. But there was a time when I failed and almost went under water without me even realizing I was drowning. At that particular time in my life due high stress levels at work (I really tried to bite too much just for a ghostly perspective of making some career, duh), combined with some serious and piling up problems at home and in my personal life made me lose control at some point, and I’ve become what I was so often called, and what I so much feared at the time  – a fatso. Denial, anger with myself and with the whole world did not help, but spiraled me even more down that way, until I stopped caring myself. It took me one lost job (not through my fault or anything), a rather long time of unemployment, and too much time to kill, that made me finally look at myself for real and accept the truth – I was no more in control of my own life.
It’s hard to be ostracized or feel excluded by others, but it’s even worse when you make it to yourself all by yourself. My own worst enemy is me, and only knowing the enemy I can stand up to it.

Peek a boo or a secret life of words

Ever since I properly mastered my reading skills, I’ve joined the vast ranks of book lovers. Since then I’ve enjoyed so many  different genres and authors it would be impossible to keep track of all the books I’ve read and loved. Every single book brings a whole world complete with unique characters and places to you through the power of words put to paper, which would be just that – words on paper – if not for one crucial thing – reader’s imagination. And it’s up to imagination to make a story great; when the words on paper click with reader’s imagination the story comes to life and spans as if on its on accord, if not – then you just put the book back as boring, etc.
One of my childhood great authors’ was Jules Verne, but the problem with his books was that as an 8-10 year old I could hardly understand some more ‘technical’ parts of his stories. Remember, there was no Google back in the day to tell and show what is what, how it works, etc., and encyclopedias often provided only quite dry explanations which weren’t of much help, so eventually I’ve found it best to let my imagination roam free whenever I’ve come across such a tera incognito, and let it give these words a secret life of their own. Amazingly, in some cases I’d say my imagination would create things so much superior to the actual thing that I’d be even somewhat disappointed to learn that this previously unknown thing is just… this dull and regular thing
Nowadays I have to turn to this reading ‘technique’ mostly when I read books in languages which aren’t my mother tongue. Some time ago I’ve been reading this book set during WWII, and I stumbled upon such a tera incognito – peek a boo hair style. Ah, my experiences readily prompted me with some period appropriate hair styles to choose from, but I could not be sure which one was the right one. Later I’ve found out which one was that, but to tell you the truth the version my imagination settled with while reading the book was SO much better. Add some punkiness and spikiness to the sleek look, mix a ‘boo’ into the equation, and you might get somewhere close to where my imagination took me

A classic peek a boo

And we go down

So the stalling period is over now, and we are all literary setting sails to… well, someplace, some other future.

After like more than month of hesitation our new sole shareholder finally showed up and we got to meet his new appointed Managing Director the other week. Not much use of that, just this change of MDs from good to like the worst IMO. We still do not know what plans are made regarding our company’s future as our new MD and neither shareholder are willing to share them, like we’re just considered irrelevant and some sort of nuisance. Might be that both guesses are right.
After a year long period of being under constant change and on sale, throughout this times we’ve managed to keep all of our tightly knit team intact . More so, even blue collar workers stayed all but few, though high turnover among blue collar workers is almost a canon in our field of business. But who cares about that? So now for a week already we’ve been ‘enjoying’ the company of our new MD, and what can i tell? Change, and selling process, and uncertainty hasn’t killed us up to this day, but this man is going to. If his goals are to make people leave, so that the new owners could cut cost on compensation, etc., he’s gonna get it. He asks a question, you answer in full detail. then like five secs later same question again and again and again. It’s simply impossible even to try to regard him as something else than a joke thrust upon us. Yes, you might think it’s understandable that he does not know the business yet, and in normal situation I would agree. But he at least SHOULD try to learn it, and ask all the important business related question, instead of the ones regarding who has what model of company’s mobile phone. Hello, the last time we’ve got new phones for employees was like 2 years ago and they did not cost us a dime, but were given free to us by our mobile service provider. And that is just the top of an iceberg. The best part is that he does not make any decision of his own. If there’s a problem, he ask for opinion from our responsible team member, then goes out of the office for ‘some tea’ to consult with some secret puppeteer of this freakish show and then comes back with mostly incomprehensible decision made. ‘Our clients must be served,’ he says, but how, if all these decisions already make an impact on our capability to serve them in the first place, I ask.
It took just a week, but I’ve already started looking for a new job, and so does every single one on our team. A dog barks, caravan goes, and this ship is sinking fast. Shit happens, but this time it also hit a fan. If work was about feeling good about what I do, now it’s more of ‘Isn’t it 5 P.M. yet?’ kind.

Pro tempore

Learning curve. There are some books I can read and re-read over and over again, and even though it seems I know every twist of plot by heart I each time find something new in them. There are also some books I've read once, enjoyed them at the time, but most probably will never pick them up again. And there are also books, which have to be read in their due time, that is there are some books you start reading and put them down unfinished and never go back to reading them again; yet some I put down the first time round, only to pick them up and read them some time later, discovering that a book which at first seemed to be all wrong/boring/not my kind of book now IS. Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde could be a good example of books I once thought were of god damn awful sort, but now have a blast of a time reading them. It's like some things click with you just from the very beginning and stay with you for longer or shorter period, and some must grow right, or you must grow right to enjoy them.

New Year in... 3, 2, 1

2012 is almost over, and looking back, I'd say that was the most challenging, trying, and mind screwing year so far. Hopefully 2013 will be at least a tad bit easier, and will give me some breaks I rather need.
Sometime ago either on-line, either in some magazine I've read this article on sleeping positions, and what they tell about you. Up until then I haven't had trouble at falling asleep, and I used to go out like almost the very moment my head'd hit a pillow to wake up to morning alarm in almost identical position and on the very same spot of my bed. Since I've read that article - or maybe that's just a coincidence - I have trouble getting comfortable, like the bed suddenly became hard or all possible sleeping positions uncomfortable, etc. Ah, if all was just about finding a new position or 'good' spot.
One year ago, right before Christmas 2011, we were told that our company is going to be sold. Now one year later we find ourselves sold for the second time in one year, and with things going downhill so fast it's really scary. 2012 was supposed to be the Year The World Ended. And in a way it did. Only on a much much lesser scale.
Same on personal side - all the ups of this year turned out to be the biggest falls and disappointments, so that finding inner poise was mission impossible. Starting with things which broke down out of the blue, ending with some relationships which burned to cinder in one go, I say 2012 was a truly nightmarish year, and as the year changes will gladly way it farewell, hoping the future is going to be brighter. If not... well, I might then buy some bright dyes and brighten it up all by myself ;)

Survival of the Fittest?

David and Goliath. The other day I've witnessed a fly get caught in a spider web. The fly was a fat one, and just as her legs got stuck on the web, she started to buzz angrily and fight hard to get away. Meanwhile, a tiny spider ran to the fly in anticipation of a big feast. But as the fly beat her wings and tried to wiggle away with all the force she had, spider would withdraw as if blown away by those attempts, then would try again and again to close on his pray. It rather reminded me of that biblical story of David and Goliath for some reason, though I really could not tell, who was who in this survival race.
The other time I went past that web, it was clear who've won the battle. Victor was nowhere in sight, but his feast leftovers were more than enough to tell the whole story.
In a way i find myself in a rather similar situation like that very fly - caught in a sticky spider web, and valiantly trying to getaway sound and free, only I cannot see the mastermind of that web, so cannot know if my attempts could get me anywhere or just worsen the predicament. One way or another it all will end soon. We're promised that at least.

Like A...

 

...Rocky. Remember that old feature film 'Rocky' with Silvester Stallone? There is a scene in that movie, where Rocky victoriously runs up the many stairs and jumps a joy holding his arms up. Well, I've been jogging almost daily for a couple of past years, and once in a while I attempt to run up this one very steep hill non-stop. Uh-huh. So far not once I've managed to do that. Some way just past half of the ascend I run out of steam and just have to stop to catch my breath back or even to stop. But who knows maybe my jump a joy is just around a corner, and like Rocky one day I'll be all smiles on top of that damn hill :)

Doing it right

Just a thought I had watching some TV show. Kids have to rely to their parents, family like for everything, but as one grows there is less and less need for leaning on your family per se in a sense that one could not survive without this bond. And that's when it shows, if this all family and parenting thing ever worked well. If grown up kids still want to hang with their parents and family, then you were doing it right.

Re-post. Don't get lost

Re-post