Everything is for the best

there’s some light even in the dark of a night

Well, I sure hope that it is. After a give or take half a year at home and with no other income but unemployment allowance and some of my own saving, I’m more than eager to do anything, but get the hell out of here and actually do something. On the plus side, this long vacation was a useful break after almost 3 years of work work work with only few get-aways for a day or two at the most. On the downside, I’m never comfortable with watching my savings just melt away… Anyway, so far this break was mostly positive, so I’ll just try to keep it that way. So let’s just look for all the positive outcomes of this situation:
* I am full of energy, well rested, and ready to move mountains (though hopefully I don’t have to  or I might end up with some nations angry with me if I move their Alps)
* If all works out as planned, this is going to be my last week at home (a cautious hurray goes here and fingers crossed)
* I’m finally out of the ‘cage’.
What ‘cage’? The ‘cage’ of my own in-box thinking. Since for a couple of years I’ve been thinking about going back to school for my masters degree, and since I wanted to get this degree in a totally different field than my BA, that meant I needed to take some additional courses and only then would be eligible to apply. Problem was that I’d have had to pay both for the courses and for the masters studies. And money is always an issue for me – I’m never easy with parting with greater sums, and I’m even less attracted to the thought of taking a loan. So there you have it – a wish to go back to school and insufficient funds of my own to get me through 3 years at school. Well, after a couple of months at home, with much time spent outdoors and with somehow a much clearer head and brighter perspective, I had this eureka moment – why was I so fixated on getting the masters? I could achieve the very same goal and at much much lesser costs by starting over and getting my BAcc or BAE at college level instead of masters in the same field at pricey university. And so the plan has been hatched: step 1 – get a job, step 2 – back to school.
Making these plans public is like making a promise so I’d not back out at the very last moment. And hopefully principle of men making plans, and gods laughing at them will not be applicable just this once.

Under the magnifying glass

For starters an old joke:
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both M ale and female sometimes camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too
Consul: Man,……… isn’ t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab : No no, no deer they run too fast.
Then a quote:
‘ <…> Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too…’ (Hope Floats, 1998)
I find myself today somewhere between a scary beginning that might be and a certain level of being lost in translation while out there looking for THE Job. How is it going then? Relatively well since I’m still on track and still hopeful, though numbers in my bank account might not agree to that at all. So on the one hand I’m still looking for something to really catch my eye, where I would get this vibe of ‘I WANT to work here’ and all. But on the other hand, I’d like to get THE job already and like NOW or I just might end up shooting myself with a door handle, that’s how bored I’m getting with having too much spare time. Oh, I now hear voices of some of my friends asking me why wouldn’t I just start something of my own rather than look for yet another employment. Well, while self employment is certainly an option for many and many people out there, I just don’t want that for myself, not now, and possibly not ever. So that’s why I keep on browsing job ads and sending out my CVs. Until I do, I have loads of time to waste, many ads to read and reply to, and then an interview here and there to attend to.
It now feels good that after all that pre-holiday and post-holiday dead calm there’s plenty of activity in the job market, and after more than a month of complete silence things are, at least theoretically, starting to look good. Fingers crossed that I’ll get my 8 to 5 in no time at all. Wish it was one of the two options I’ve interviewed for recently. If not, then moving on to other possible right ones for me. My ‘magnifying glass’ all set and tweaked to spot all the clues for the right position I’m still in the wild hunting :)

Since this is like the second break in my career, I can dully note that sometimes when working 8 to 5 I get to the point that I just dream to have lots and lots of vacation days and spare time on my hands to waste, to read some book, to visit some museums or something else you want to do but never actually do. But when you actually end up having loads of time, it might not be all that fun at all. Oh, the first month is great I’ll give you that. It’s like a perfect vacation with ideas for what should I do next just bubbling inside and all, but sometime into the second or third month this honeymoon is suddenly over. Cinema, museums, reading, exercising, etc., etc. are still on, but the joy is all gone, and I start to long for doing some work instead of this ‘party’ thing. Money, though not yet under water in that area, is also becoming an issue. Once you’re short of regular income, here comes the dreaded ‘Do I really NEED to buy this?’ instead of sometimes so pleasant impulse shopping, partying, etc.

I come undone

Fast forward a week and I'm out of here. I've already referred in my previous blog entry that my current job is like a life in Hell-mouth straight out of 'Buffy the vampire slayer' TV show, but soon all bad is to as and I've finally given my two weeks notice and now I feel sooo relieved. A better job (and by now I think that ANY job is better than this one) is still just an uncertain prospect in my future, which I'm sure is soon to come to life and get some material form, but I just could not stand staying here for any longer or I would be risking becoming one of those surly faces I'm facing all day long at the moment. Up until this experience I've thought that a promise of 'friendly co-workers' and 'friendly working environment' was just that - words to describe something obvious and a must-have for ANY company. Turns out, this small yet so essential part of good job might sometimes be missing, making in turn a good on paper job to something entirely different.

Some compromises work for the best, but if they don't then they just don't and it's time to move on. And since I'm already feeling I'm becoming one of them - eternally unhappy, grumpy and dissatisfied co-workers of mine - it is better to move on than to dwell on the thought that all is bad, all is dark, managers are fools, etc. No job should be a battle for staying afloat and sane. 

Just kill 'em all

No no don't worry I'm not on some killing rampage or completely out of my mind, but there is some killing involved in my activities on almost daily basis. But I'll get back to it a little bit later.

First of all, let me begin with telling that I've never been a damsel in distress, and I never intend to be one, if I can help it. I enjoyed fairy tales and their happy endings and all, but I just never could understand why is it that men characters in those stories usually were the ones having all these exciting adventures, and the ladies were either left behind to just wait, or they mostly were these annoying damsels in distress waiting for their rescuer. I've never wanted to be a boy, but neither did I ever wanted to be this helpless girl. I wanted to have the adventure of killing some dragon, discovering some Wild West territories or flying some spaceship Star Wars' style, etc. for myself. Since until my early teenage years I was happily tailing my brother and his boy company, including all of my summers spent in a company of my all-boy cousins, I've never even questioned myself, if climbing up that tree is girlish or not. I was having a time of my life up in those trees or while making some arrows for a hand made bows, and was basically doing anything the boys did, but those few things I thought were stupid. Anyway, I've learned to kick ass and fight in a proper way - no hair pulling and scratching at your opponent's face like some girly girls do (though that technique is SCARY, and could be quite efficient from what I've seen).

Then the day has come, when I was no longer wanted in this company of the boys. My brother - a teenager now - was more interested in girls and other stuff the boys at that age do, than playing with his little sis. So, after years and years of running with the boys, I've found myself playing with the girls my age, and often thinking how playing family is so much much more boring than playing football. I think this was the time, when I first decided, that I'd never be this helpless girl, who is stuck with cooking, while some men are out looking for a mammoth to kill.

Don't get me wrong, I've never wanted to be a manly lady, a man or anything like that, but in my opinion a princess in a ball gown was just as good for some sword fight as a knight in his armor. Only the princess in this case had the advantage of two worlds - fighting like a man, or running from the fight without a risk of being called unmanly or a coward ;) Cheating, you'd say? Screw that! If I cannot open a jar, I'd ask for help, but I still have a trick or two up my sleeve if this help is unavailable :)

I have some phobias and frights; I can work some of them, and I've come to terms with the others. It's like I'm afraid of heights, yet I can climb up real high for a picturesque view to enjoy. On the other hand, at the mere sight of a mouse or some snake I'd be gone in the opposite direction in a moment, fighting back a panicky noises coming from my throat. And that's OK. The thing about being a knight as opposed to the unlucky damsel waiting to be saved is to take charge of your own decisions, life, and not just sit waiting for life to happen while you skulk.

So now we're back to the killing part. Since August is well known for wasps getting very active and bothersome, it's no surprise that this summer is no exception. But a late night exercise on an almost daily basis of killing up to some 3 nasty wasps at a time, which dare to bother a sleepy princess while she's getting ready for hers good night's sleep is way too much. That is when the princess gets all mad and tunes into her 'kill 'em all' slayer mode.

How's killing a few angry wasps for a lullaby for you, eh?

An unexpected beauty

Sometimes even a "road kill" is a piece of art :)

The Final Straw

Since the company I’ve happily and proudly worked for the last couple of years is no more on the map, anticipating this unhappy event I’ve been looking for another position since like the New Year. In April I’d thought I’ve found myself a ‘jackpot’ in a form of an offer to come and join this quite well known international company. In theory and on paper this job offer was more than tempting – good salary, great benefits and appealing international environment, and more. This made me think I was joining a team of professionals where I could fit right in. Alas the very first weeks in my new job proved me wrong on like almost every single aspect.

I’m not so sure if my own definition of ‘professionalism’ is an exact match to that in a dictionary, but I strongly believe that only the very few of this new ‘team’ could be in any way described as professionals. Never in my life before have I’ve met so many people in one place which are so unhappy with their work, holding so many grudges towards one another to the extent that more than once I’ve witnessed people making ugly faces as they pass someone on their ‘bad list’. Oh, and I’m not even talking about all that angry gossip and buckets of shit they throw like out of the blue on one another at all times. The whole experience strongly resembles some sort of ugly war in which no one is safe and can at every moment get a stab to one’s back.

For the first month or so I was given an openly cold shoulder from like every single member of this new ‘team’ – none would speak to me but say ‘good morning’ and ‘good-bye’, unless they needed me to do something for them, etc. In my previous company I have enjoyed working in a tightly knit team of people who were all friendly, professional and thus at any point, even on a really bad day, I could say out loud ‘I LOVE my job’ and be true in every aspect. So, try to imagine my initial shock when in this new job I’ve found myself right in the middle of some sort of ongoing war. Oh, I was warned during the job interview that climate within the company could not be described as ‘friendly’, but never in my life I could have imagined that things could be THAT bad. In the very beginning I believed – ah, blame that on that streak of my personality which always tends to look for the best in others- that with time people would warm up to me and things would then get rolling smoother. Hm… in a way it did. Some of co-workers started at least talking to me, well, at least during coffee breaks or lunch i now was talked to, but whenever it came down to doing business… At this point I’m totally stunned with the fact that a company with nonexistent communications whatsoever and and with no respect for one another somehow manages to be operational and is able to do business at all.

I’m not sure how, why and when this total cease of internal communications has started nor why this ‘war’ has begun in the first place, nor at this point do i even care about ti, but these couple of months were hell and nightmare, and I’m just giving up. Fuck ‘em, but if I get shouted at and am bullied just because I am doing my work, or trying to do my work, I’ve nothing else to say but bid them all farewell until I haven’t lost my own humane face and respect for myself.

Being shouted at for no other reason but just because I’m new and don’t belong to any of the ‘alliances’ was the final straw which dipped the scales once and for good in favor of quitting. No one should be treated like shit at work, that’s simply all kind of wrong.

Colors of June